The existence of Love

Written By_ Winded Angel

Thank you to this incredibly brave and strong woman who has entrusted Memoirs of a Broken Woman to share her story and experiences with so many of you that can relate. We all know what it is like to keep things bottled up inside. Thank you “Winded Angel” for this honor. If anyone would like to share their writings of any kind please send to memoirsofabrokenwoman@gmail.com

The existence of Love…

Every single journey in life takes up a different space in our hearts and each space holds memories, emotions, and moments that will be part of us forever. Not all of the things left in those spaces make us feel good or whole but they are still part of the experience and the many adventures we get to take part in.

There was a time in my life when I felt that my exposure to things that made me feel good and whole inside were limited and bringing life into this world was quite possibly my greatest chance of being somebody. As much as I love my children and feel there has been no greater blessing that has been given to me, I’ve grown to realize that there still must be more. In order for me to give them everything they need and be the best mom, I must be the best of myself, and that holds true for any loving relationship. People and connection help to evolve the person we use to be, into the person we are and the person we will one day become. It is because of good friends, loyal family members, and gracious mentors that I feel I have continued to be enlightened over the years. Always understanding that there is strength in numbers and we can never have too many good people in our circle.

It has been important for me to keep these circles vibrant and connected in my life. It is the very thing that has held me up through the years and gotten me through the toughest of times. It is also the very thing that has supported my best experiences in life. I am left with memories that will always serve as nudges to push me through to the next level.

As much as I want to say that every experience and human connection has been nurturing to me that is not the case. We also keep in our circle those that do not strengthen our being but better described as soul suckers and energy thieves. Many times these people are related to us or we are in an unhealthy committed relationship. We allow these individuals to absorb our light with little resistance because we have told ourselves that by blood or contract, we owe it to them to be their comfort and sense of stability. We feel guilty and sorry for them and while we know we are a good person and deserve more, our hearts become less aggressive with protecting ourselves and more attentive to trying to change the current state of others. We convince ourselves that if we can make someone else happy and inspire them to change their life and be better people then maybe our pathway to wholeness will be more available to us.

The problem with this is we wait and wait and we wait until we wake up one day, look in the mirror and no longer recognize ourselves. We have given so much of our light away that we can no longer feel light for ourselves. We fall into emotionless motions, acting and speaking as we always do, smiling and embracing as we always have but not as humans but as programs. Programs that have merely learned our behaviors over the years and act as covers for the souls that have checked out of our bodies. No one notices at first because they have been too busy refueling themselves with our positive energy and unique self. Our friends and people who truly see us and love us may begin to notice because we will naturally let down our guard around them and because they were never there to steal our light, they will feel the absence of it. Eventually the numbness sets in. Expression has evaporated and we become almost nonexistent to ourselves but maintain existence to those who feed off our inner being.

It is so easy to wonder why we would let this happen and why it takes so long to notice just how far gone we are. I mean, we can talk ourselves into just about anything, so, could it be that we tell ourselves that we are strong, everything is fine and we will live like this forever because the alternative could cause for more pain and disruption for everyone else? I think subconsciously we live in a world of the “easy way out” as we see it, as long as possible. It is definitely a coping mechanism that keeps us where we are at a lot longer but then the unexpected happens. The unexpected comes in our life like a tornado. It rummages through our hearts, shakes up our soul and moves our body in to total disarray. It creates waves through our minds and surfaces emotions so strong that we find it hard to breath. We become stopped in our tracks, holding on for dear life because every single last piece of us becomes exposed. The pieces begin to fall outside the walls we have built and the reflections of each piece begin to look at us and ask us why we are not trying to mend ourselves. They want to know why they aren’t worth healing and being revitalized. The storm twist and turns our inner being inside-out and then it calms us, wrapping the sky around our tears and allowing each piece to feel just a little warmth from the sun.

This is called love. This new love penetrates below the surface of what love has become; a word, a debt, an obligation… a state of mind, we become powerless to its affection because we are so starving that our inner lion won’t let us go without, not one day longer. We come out to feed on its salvation and cure the craving that has been neglected for so long. This is when healing begins to scream at us; reminding us that there is more, so much more and we don’t have to live in a world where we feel nothing so others can feel something.

I can honestly say that it’s one of the greatest bitter sweets to experience the existence of love for ourselves when we have loved ourselves last. It’s an awakening of everything inside of us when we know without any doubt that we are worthy of being who we are and good enough in our own skin. The sweet is to know we can taste it and it’s out there to taste over and over again. The bitter is to realize that we can’t have it where we are at and in order to pick up all those precious pieces that fell beneath our feet, we must be strong and willing to be vulnerable and truthful with ourselves and others. We can no longer fear the pain because the pain has always been there, we just ignored it. It’s when we lay it all out and fight for love that we become love and become the unbreakable spirt we were meant to be.

As humans, we only have so much time. The time is now, this moment because tomorrow may never come. The circles we make and the connection we create are life. The adventures we take and the experiences we have made up the story of our life and we get to choose each day that we wake up, what story we will exist in.

~Written By Winded Angel

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