I initially did not know what to expect once Scarred Beautiful shared my post on facebook. I had doubts but wanted to go through with it as a way for others to find healing as I did when I wrote my letter. I want to thank everyone for the encouraging and comforting comments. I am in awe of the strength by so many of you. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and the abundance of messages that I have received.
The abuse that I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband changed who I was completely. I was unable to recognize myself in the mirror by the end. I no longer trusted my ability to make good decisions. I questioned myself daily. First off I didn’t go into the marriage with a great sense of self-worth, for my entire life I had always felt as though I was on a battle field fighting for my life. Like being in a combat war and in constant fear of the next attack only the enemy was the one person who was supposed to keep me safe from harm. When I met my ex-husband he was the most charming and caring person. The abuse didn’t start one random day it was gradually over time. I got to a point that it became the norm for me to brace myself for what was to come. It became like clockwork and even a routine to always have my guard up. After a while the physical blows stopped hurting as much. There were times I would rather have taken the punch, kick, shove etc. instead of being degraded, screamed at, lectured, criticized, ridiculed, spit at and taunted for hours on end. I use to tell myself the bruises will heal and fade away but the emotional beatings were ingrained in me. It took me years to realize that it was his goal to break me down emotionally and mentally because then I would already be so broken that the physical abuse would be tolerated. I already had the mindset that I didn’t deserve any better than what I was receiving and I was damaged goods. Abusers prey on vulnerability and they know exactly how to keep you broken. Even after I left I lived in fear for years. Not having to be on guard was the weirdest feeling I didn’t know what to do with myself because my body and mind was not used to being at rest. The unknown was now what I feared. Being safe and free was the scariest feeling. I felt incredibly out of sorts, the abuse was is what I knew. The question that gets asked a lot is, “Why do women stay and why do they go from one abusive situation to the next?” I feel that is not what needs to be asked, what needs to be asked is why do abusers abuse. By sharing my testimony of how God transformed my life from something horrific to something beautiful I want to encourage other women to speak out, stop hiding, let go of the shame and stand strong and proud of whom you have become as a result of your scars. Remember we are all Scarred Beautiful and it is through our healing we find our greatest strength.