My Letter to My Abuser….
I have spent many years asking myself what I would tell you if I had the chance. Though it still petrifies me to be in the same room as you I know I am in control and much stronger than you ever thought I was. For so long I have been so broken but piece by piece God has mended my soul that you destroyed those many years ago.
Despite all those years you told me I wouldn’t amount to anything, to your dismay I did make something of myself. You made me feel worthless, ashamed, lonely and unlovable and so much more that words cannot even describe. I used to always be running 100 miles per hour trying to find the direction that would hurt less. All those years you told me, “You just don’t know when to stop, you keep pushing my buttons.” “I treat you exactly as you deserve. It is your fault for making me so mad.” “You are making me look bad, you are so stupid.” “I can’t stand to look at you right now, you disgust me.” “You brought this on yourself, I’d treat you better if you deserved it but this is all your fault.” I was sick of staying silent but now I have found my voice.
Can I ask you…Did you delight in verbally stripping away my integrity? Was it easier because your verbal abuse had no visible scars? The pain you caused me with your verbal dagger runs deeper than any physical scar you could have left. Did it make you feel more of man to rape your wife night after night and yes it was rape? Did you think I would always believe you when you said that love was supposed to feel like that? Every time you raped me you took a part of my soul that I will never get back. I was not your property to do whatever you wanted, I was your wife, you were supposed to love, protect and cherish me. Did it make you feel stronger leaving black and blue bruises all over my body? Did you enjoy crushing my already broken spirit? Did you find pleasure in watching blood and tears stream down my face? Your coward ways, of saving your abuse for an audience of one, shows who you really are.
Your love was never free it came with a price. I begged you to want me but you didn’t. I tried day after day to be the perfect wife; you never deserved my love, my heart and my soul. However I learned years ago that I deserved peace, happiness and more importantly to be safe. You abandoned your rights as a husband and a father the first time you raised your hand to me.
I am a different woman today, you can’t break me. I am no longing begging you, I have clearly walked away with the little confidence that still remains but just with that little amount I am becoming a little more whole every day.
I use to wonder what it would feel like to have a man touch me with gentle and kind hands, to want me and caress me. Your touch was nothing but corruption and I was determined to rise above it.
I never gave up, I finally was able to stop wondering. I never thought I could ever love or trust a man again because of what you did with just your bare hands. I did meet someone who wanted me. He has collected me off the ground when I was broken down tired and alone. He does take care of me because he loves me. He has restored my faith- that a man can be kind and a father can be great.
The love I have for our children is endless, but you took away their childhood, their innocence, self-worth and sense of security. Piece by piece and through God’s grace I have been able to put their little souls back together. They will never have to wonder their worth because unlike you, I’ve always put them first.
I am not sure I can say I am over what you did to me and our children and I know you simply don’t care that it will take years to heal. I hate you for showing our children what evil looks like. You are not supposed to be the thing that scares them the most. You’re supposed to be the definition of unconditional love. Instead you have taught them that love is conditional. I will never be able to erase from their minds the scenes that they have seen. I hope for that you are held accountable to the highest degree.
Sometimes I think about the saying that time heals everything, I’m not sure if I believe that because 8 years has passed and I’m still waiting. However what I do know is that loving yourself is not just a cliché. I have come to realize what loving myself truly means.
Thank you for showing me that I am worth being saved and that I am not a reflection of what you did to me. I am not worthless, as you made me feel, and I am refusing to stay that broken woman begging on her knees. I’m leaving that life behind me and you will soon see what I can be.
The damaged goods I use to see in my reflection are no longer there. Real love sees differently, real love sees perfection.