As my head hit my pillow last night with tears streaming down my face and my husband sleeping next to me, my heart ached and grieved for my daughters heart. It has been broken and in pieces for far too long. Her fragile spirit is evident to me and I pray to God asking him under my breath to give her a sense of peace and comfort as she sleeps and to draw her closer to Him.
She attended a See You at the Pole event (Where students gather at the flag pole of their school and pray) early yesterday for her high school, I know she has a heart for Jesus but I can also see her questioning her faith as she is faced with the difficulties in her young life and battles her own inner demons. I start to feel inadequate as a mother because I can’t comfort her in this moment. I think back to the first time I held her in my arms and my tears started to flow even more fervently into my pillow.
I am laying on my side and can see the outline of picture frames on the wall. Even in the pitch darkness I know what I am looking at. Pictures of my children at such tender and innocent ages I say softly to myself, “God I put these children in your hands, I give you there futures but please take away the pain from their broken souls.” I can’t sleep and can only replay the words that my daughter shared with me earlier. I want to be able to fix things for her instantly but quickly realize it is not an easy fix.
I feel that I have been a disservice to her as her mom and in the choices I have made. I start to feel guilty for not being home as much and wonder if working two jobs has been more detrimental to my family then helped it. I would love to be home more with my family but bills have to be paid and the sports/activities that they participate in are not cheap. I start to outweigh the pros and cons and wonder of my absence after school is what she has been missing. I toss and turn all night thinking of solutions to the turmoil that I am feeling but come up empty handed.
As a mother my job is to protect my children and in so many ways I feel like I have failed them. I know that my children will face trials and tribulations throughout their lives and I can’t protect them forever. However for today my only desire is to be able to comfort her pain.