I don’t remember the exact day that I felt so unworthy, unloved, useless and less than beautiful. My circumstances were defining my fate as to what I believed about myself. I know now that slowly my ex-husband was trying to break me down more and more each day. I was ashamed of my situation and felt completely out of control. I felt that I deserved how I was being treated and that I wasn’t worth being loved. My perception of myself was nothing but grotesque and not even a spec of confidence was in reach.
When you have someone telling you on a daily basis how ugly you are that you are worthless and are constantly belittled and criticized you start to believe that those things about you are actually true. My ex-husband use to make me stand in front of him before going places and he had me bend forward so he could see if my shirt was too low and if it was acceptable to wear. I was told the entire time of our marriage that the reason I wore high heels was to accentuate my hips and because I wanted to be inseminated. It took me a long time to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. The signs were there however I took them as a sign of love and affection. I didn’t want to see the reality of things.
I didn’t just wake up one day and decided not to eat. It started out slowly and without me even realizing that I had developed an eating disorder. My days consisted of just trying to keep the peace. Sitting down at the dinner table was like torture. My focus was more on not wanting to say or do anything that would make him angry. The entire time I would move my food on my plate around with my fork or would feed it to my son who was a toddler at the time. With all the daily stresses my appetite decreased all the time. Every day I felt like I had a knot in my stomach. My intention was never to starve myself in order to lose weight. Starving myself or restricting became a way of control for me. When I started to realize I couldn’t control the life around me Anorexia became the only way for me to control my life. As long as I could control what I put in my body I was okay.
As the weight started to fall off rapidly I didn’t think it was a big deal. I felt so alone and a huge part of my eating disorder was hoping that if I lost enough weight my ex-husband would no longer find me attractive and just maybe he would leave me alone. I learned quickly that it didn’t matter.
I would stare at the empty walls around me and I was barely hanging on. The voices in my mind that would tell me that I wasn’t worth anything became louder and louder. My self-worth was now shattered and I honestly didn’t believe that I deserved anything good in my life not even food and nourishment for my body. I felt my body deteriorating, my hair was falling out, I was always cold and had no energy and my heart was being affected.
God has truly blessed me with some amazing women in my life and for that I am so thankful. If it wasn’t for my closest friend asking me to seek help for my eating disorder I would be in a completely different place than I am today. I was resistant to change my behavior because I knew that I would be giving up the only sense of control that I had in my life. In all honesty there are still days that I struggle but the difference is now I can recognize when I am and get back on track.
Piece by piece God has restored that brokenness within me. Only God knows how my story will end!